Mike Logan

Don't Panic

2007-06-13T19:38:00.000-04:00

No, I haven't been eaten by zombies. I've been very, very wrapped up here at work. Ames - drop me an email.

And yes, there seems to be screaming, but this is Manhattan - what else is new?

By the way, I would know if there were a zombie uprising, because I'm pretty sure I'd get overtime for dealing with that.

Beaten to the Punch

2007-04-23T02:34:00.000-04:00

Okay, so where have I been?

1.) At work. I actually do go there, you know. Also, when I fall asleep on the breakroom couch and nobody wakes me up, I have to stay later. Then, when my ex-partner, my current partner, and my annoying friend IM me to ask if I'm getting my work done - I can't get my work done!

2.) Out. I have a social life which I keep far, far away from work. This is a good thing, trust me. After the first and last time - and tempers are still cooling between me and Eames - no dating other detectives. Bad, bad, bad idea.

3.) Home. I may have subscribed to a trial version of the deluxe cable package and gotten a month free with not one but two video rental services. I've been glued to the set pretty firmly. Don't beleive me? I have very strong opinions on Nanny McPhee and The Perfect Man. No straight man watches those unless it's 5 am and they're FREE.

and finally:

4.) A combo of all. That jerk Munch called me "an illiterate ape" so after I took a swing at him, he bet me 50 bucks I couldn't read Das Kaptial. Have you ever tried to read Karl Marx? I had to buy a lot of beer to slog through that. So I was in, reading, then out, buying beer, and at work, keeping him updated.
I won the 50 bucks, and then found out he'd posted my name on an online list of known communists.
Remind me why I talk to him?

Where Have I Been?

2007-03-29T01:50:00.000-04:00

Don't get me started.

Let me say this:

1) I hate change.
People who decide to spruce your place up by rearranging things for you are not helping you. I put things where I put them because that is where they go. If they are not where they go, things happen - like slamming your foot into the leg of your table.

2) I am FINE.
Even when I am holding my toes and whimpering. Except two weeks later when I've been yelling "Dammit" everytime I step on that foot, and finally I fall over while running for the elevator and I make the final jump. People who laugh at you when you hit the wall and curse are freckle-faced jerks.

3) I HATE DOCTORS.
No, this one I really mean. I can't stand them, and I've never liked them. I swear, the next time I get hurt, I'm going to go find Munch's friend with the boy scout manual and the leeches, or the one with the chemistry set, the subscription to Web MD Pro, and a serious addiction to House, M.D.. They couldn't possibly do worse. I swear, doctors these days spend six to eight years learning nothing except how to flounce. Infected tendon? Possible arthroid attack? I KICKED A TABLE. I need an X-RAY! She wanted to give me Vicodin and some sleeping pills. I asked "Uh, do those really mix?" She looked again and said "Oops." I don't like that word in a medical setting or in any other setting when my pants aren't on.
I demanded a second opinion - I can read the damn chart myself, but they need a center employee. Luckily the cleaning guy was on his break. I grabbed the stuff, handed it to him, he wiki'd it, and we both agreed that Dr. Buffy was full of crap. Sleep and a splint. My granny coulda diagnosed that.
No. More. Doctors. Even Rodgers is on notice - unless she uses Freckles for a practice dummy again.

Too Much All At Once

2007-02-28T04:12:00.000-05:00

I need Blogger to stop pestering me about switching. I am having a serious crisis of hideous proportions, and the last thing I need is to get nagged by electronics.
Leave me alone!

Edit
John Munch here. Thought you should know that the big baby is sulking because he lost his last paycheck betting on the Oscars. He's planning on whining later, but right now he's kicking chairs and swearing he'll never watch another english-language film other than The Maltese Falcon again.
Over and out,
JM

It's Early For You, Late For Me

2007-02-26T05:24:00.000-05:00

This is really pushing my theory that it's not tomorrow until you go to sleep. It's 5:25 am, and I have to go to work, but Sunday's not over yet.
Can you believe I was up almost all weekend arguing with someone about a Dukes of Stratosphear album? Un-frickin'-beleivable. I mean, it devolved into personal insults and fisticuffs soon enough, and yes, there may have been some booze involved, but how you can blow off any respectable effort by members of XTC, I will never know.
Surprisingly, it was not Munch, it was a pal of his whose name I didn't catch. I'd tell you what I did call him, but the freckly one has actually put a curse jar in the office, and you won't beleive this, but it does not mean that whoever curses the most wins the pot.
Anyhow, about an hour ago, Munch came out of his bedroom in only his black boxers and told us both to shut the hell up and go the hell home. My eyes are still burning.
I called the girlfriend to tell her what was up, and after she stopped asking what time it was, it happened. Look, I don't expect her to know off the bat who The Dukes of Stratosphear are, but not XTC? How does that happen? She said she didn't keep track of groups who peaked before she was born. OW. Way to start the week!

Tech Help (?)

2007-02-22T02:58:00.000-05:00

Okay, once again, a delay. You know, if a certain freckle-faced partner thinks that she's being helpful by putting a porn-blocker on here, she's just wrong. I can't even get to my hompage if one of those things is on!
I swear, you can't tell me that [inappropriate link blocked] is bad. LOOK -

That, my friends, is where law enforcement and art meet. Rowr!

I Hate Kids and Cats

2007-02-13T22:17:00.000-05:00

Well, actually, I don't hate all cats, but I'm wasn't too happy that Munch let one loose in my apartment. Yes, he finally figured out that I put the first rabbit in his, and he wants me to re-home it. Anybody want a bunny with an attitude problem?

The cat is worse - I got in late, and the bastard is sitting on my commode. You heard me. Yes, I mean the cat, not Munch. It's looking at me like I'm the trespasser, and it glared so hard I backed off. He didn't flush, either, which I don't know about you, but I find that nasty.

I called Munch, because who else would do it? He said that was a great idea - he was inspired by the sign he puts up every Valentine's day: it actually says "I Hate Kids and Cats." He took it one better, too. Seems he called my girlfriend and talked about how lonely I get, and how I really should get a pet, so she was the one who picked out the damn thing, and he just let it loose on my stuff. Apparently, that's my valentine's day surprise and I either have to keep it or figure out how to squirm out of it. John Munch is made of pure evil.

Also, I'm worried this is a segueway to the kid conversation.
I'm okay with other people's kids, but let's not make the leap that I want any. As far as I'm concerned, they're more high-maintenance pets than skunks, and I'm pretty sure she doesn't want me to tell her to check my vasectomy scar.

I told her anyone who doesn't come up to my knees doesn't come into my house, and she just laughed. I think I'm gonna wear the "I love Porn" t-shirt Carolyn bought me just to prove my point if she makes me go to that family dinner she keeps threatening me with.

On the other hand, maybe she'll stop trying to get me to vist her nieces and nephews after she sees that I let the cat have beer. (He's a selfish critter, too - bogarted my last Guiness.)

And I still have no good plans for Valentines. Well, I still have a few hours.

Back

2007-02-09T02:47:00.000-05:00

She stole my computer and made me take 4 vacation days, and yet I'm still supposed to come up with something for valentine's day. Great, just great.
I think staying in and watching Hong Kong comedies and eating chinese food is very romantic. Hiding from your ex-girlfriends is also romantic. So are flowers from the deli around the corner.
I ran all these past Munch. He said he'd figured out why I've never been divorced.

Absences

2007-02-03T04:28:00.000-05:00

Okay, two things:
One: You would think that in the wintertime, one's allergies would give it a rest. You would be wrong. Went out drinking with a college pal of mine, and discovered a new allergy - some weird all natural energy drink. That was ME horking all the way down Sixth Street and missing the show at Rocky Sullivan's.
Two: Valentine's day. I think I'm gonna take the coward's way out and drink more of that poison-to-me crap. That way, the pressure'll be off. I mean, nobody expects romance if you're in the ER, right?

We're with the Band

2007-01-26T00:04:00.000-05:00

Went to a show with Munch last night. Now, that was an experience. He seems to be very annoyed by people who take photos of themselves in public, to the point where he upended a beer down one guy's back right before the "click." He said he was helping the composition, I said he was being a dick. Speaking of that, he also brought a florescent purple...device..to wave in the background of some others.
I mean, I knew this wasn't his type of crowd, and I guess this is his version of grabbing frisbees off his lawn, but I was curious why he even wanted to go. Was he just being publicly cranky?
There we were, surrounded by college kids, listening to some emo acoustical garbage played by some kid I'm old enough to have fathered. I finally asked what was up.
"You see the chick in the opening act?"
"The cute little blond? Damn, John, she's waaay to young for you!"
"Yeah, I know. I'm here to hit on her mom," he said, waving at an older lady by the stage.
Never again!

Dirty Tricks

2007-01-23T21:20:00.000-05:00

You know, nobody would think it was funny to feed a vegetarian meat...so why was it so hilarious when people tricked me into eating at a vegetarian restaraunt?
Not cool, guys, not cool.

Carolyn, Part Two

2007-01-22T03:50:00.000-05:00

Well.
Someone has NO sense of humor. I bring over TWO seasons of The Office - I had the BBC version, too, just in case she wanted to compare - and did she appreciate it? She did NOT.
I helpfully explained all the jokes and who was what, and what was happening, but she just got a glazed look on her face and offered me another beer.
Well, since it's a great show, I figured she needed time to get it, so two-and-a-half hours went by before I decided we needed to play a drinking game revolving around it. She said "pass" - but I said "Come on, I'll show you!" I made it up on the spot - drink every time something socially awkward happens, every time the boss doesn't get it, every time there's a Jim and Pam moment, every time you hear "Schrute" - you get the idea. She said she'd just watch me play for a bit.
I have no idea what happened after the first episode after that. However, I woke up on her couch on Friday night, and my mouth felt like I'd been eating Cheetos, lint and paint thinner. One of her throw pillows was missing, too.
I think she wants to pick the show next time.

Checking on Carolyn

2007-01-18T22:03:00.000-05:00

Sorry for skipping a day, but I do have a job here. This computer stuff doesn't pay my bills, although I did hear that if I had a webcam, it might.

Anyhow, I'm gonna head over to Carolyn's for some ex-Partner time. This will involve quality television - something she doesn't seem to appreciate - and food. I'm bringing the TV, or at least commandeering the remote, so it's only fair she should handle the refreshments. I hope she stocked up.

Of Holidays and Filler

2007-01-16T22:05:00.000-05:00

I've been kind of worried about Carolyn, and now, on top of that, I'm having problems with my new partner. Wheeler's okay, but she just doesn't get some of the rules. One rule is if you have a delicious pastry, the reserve time on that is limited.
I can't let the world's best brownie (with peanut butter cream under the frosting!) sit there unappreciated. I told her it was there. I reminded her every hour on the hour. She kept saying "I'll eat it later."
At the end of the day, she started hollering about the missing brownie. Excuse me? It would have lost the peak of freshness. I'm here to prevent crimes, not assist in them, and letting that tasty, tasty brownie become less-than-perfect would have been majorly criminal. I simply could not allow that. It's not in my nature.
Someone should tell Wheeler that cops don't call other cops "pig." It's very hurtful.

Monk Must Die

2007-01-12T15:28:00.000-05:00

Okay, I like webisodes of things, not gonna lie about it. But the problem is, so does Munch. The last Monk one he saw had Monk rearrange a keyboard alphabetically. He thought this would be funny to do to me. I spent yesterday fixing that.
Now, I figure the easiest solution would be to punch him in the face. It seems inelegant, though, so I have a few options.
1) I could unplug his mouse connections. Unfortunately, I think he's expecting it.
2) I could set his computer to Cyrillic - he'd expect that, too, seeing how we did it to Goren. I might add if the person you're pranking can type in Cyrillic, it isn't funny.
3) I could sign him up for some truly horrid porn - but what if he likes it and tells me about it? Not good.
4) I could put a tuna sandwich in his processor box.

I'm thinking 4 and I could punch him in the face as a distraction, so he doesn't suspect me straight off the bat. It's not the best plan, but it's what I have so far.

Absent? Not really!

2007-01-10T13:17:00.000-05:00

Okay, you know what? I found out what happened with my email -finally. I haven't been able to log on to this for 4 days. I'm thinking it's Blogger, I'm thinking it's my computer; it was none of these. It was revenge. Petty, stupid, pointless revenge - otherwise known as John Munch.
He snuck in here and changed all my passwords - and I refuse to type in "Imaprettyprettyprincess" to access my stuff. I had to pay my neighbor's 12-year-old nephew to fix this crap. (Do you know what's wrong with today's youth, by the way? Back in MY day, I would have jumped at the chance to get paid in beer. Kid made me paypal him $50.)
This year isn't off to a landmark start.

Fallout

2007-01-04T16:17:00.000-05:00

Actually, should that be fell-out? When I fell off my couch on January second, I was reminded that I can no longer imbibe with the level of reckless abandon I'd enjoyed earlier.
More precisely, while I had fun, and I think I'm still dating her, the romantic evening is a bit of a blur.
I'd like to point out that I make great mixed drinks, despite the unkind remarks made by some - like John Munch. He was the one who said "Just because you like doing it doesn't mean you're any good at it."
When I pointed out the same principle could be applied to his lovelife, the jerk threw one of my Cherry Vodka Surprises in my face. Touchy, touchy.

OW

2007-01-03T00:00:00.000-05:00

My HEAD. More later.

I'm Up

2006-12-28T22:46:00.000-05:00

But not for long. New Years approacheth, and that means another party. As soon as the room stops spinning, I'm on it.
I got a hangover for Christmas, but I'm told that was my own fault. Munch got me a gift certificate to an adult store (a really nice one) and my girlfriend took it. I'm hoping it'll reappear in the form of a naughty surprise, but I think maybe not.
::sigh:: Munch wants me to go to Atlantic City, even though he knows I hate New Jersey, a bunch of other folks are going to Rocky Sullivan's, and I'm getting hints from another quarter about "a nice romantic dinner" - that's a pizza and some beer at home, right?

I'm SLEEPING

2006-12-26T23:57:00.000-05:00

Lemme 'lone. Head hurst...hurts bad. MY couch. MINE. Geddaway. Party was good, 'cept fr Munch's mistleto shorts, nobody wanna see that.
Had more t'drink again, stops the headhurts. Took Munch's phone so he can'y drunkycall Doc Rodgers.
Lemme alone, take cara Munchie, he's prolly ded.
Happy holiday - what day izzit? Don't care. Sleep!

Holiday Preparations

2006-12-24T23:40:00.000-05:00

Or should I say concoctions?
I have Elliot's Tullamore Dew Irish Whiskey Crock, but he'd better be planning to share that sucker.
I have grappa for Carolyn, vodka for Munch, and a bucket of my holiday rocket-nog for all to sample. Yes I DO plan to light it. It loses its effect if you don't.
Anybody's who up for it can also try what's in the bottle - it's this year's holdiay mix. I call it The Elf-Killer. Before people ask, it IS supposed to be that color, and it IS perfectly safe - for me at least.
Holiday party, here I come.

Oh, and Carolyn, you do have extra tinfoil for Munch for when he thinks he needs to make a hat, right?

Happy Holidays to all of you, too. Hope it goes as well as I plan this to go - and on the bright side, if it's bad, I probably won't remember it. Stay safe and well, everyone.

Holiday Spirits

2006-12-19T19:46:00.000-05:00

A party this weekend? Oh, man, I haven't done anything to get ready for the holidays. Not that I HAVE to worry, because I'll just shop at the liquor store again. I found a really nifty place; if you don't live in New York, you might try this site . I'm bringing the Casta Gusano tequila worm - the secret to tequila is to drink it really, really fast! - and I think I'll splurge on the vodka sword. What's a party without a sword filled with vodka?

Munch says he thinks I'll be visited by the Ghost of Meals Past, but he knows not what he says. I mean, if I can keep down my lunch after what I just saw on Elliot's site, I can handle anything!

Now to go make my list for the Porn Fairy. I've been a bad boy, and I plan to be worse.

Monday - barely!

2006-12-18T21:43:00.000-05:00

Okay, I am NEVER going into Midtown on a pre-holiday weekend again EVER, unless there's a murder - which, if I have to go, there probably will be.
People with cameras! Everywhere! TOURISTS! This is why I try not to go out during the day! I spent two hours at the Manhattan Mall waiting for the college pal, who was, of course, late. I refused to go around Macy's with the hordes of tourists about, and we headed right downtown.

The less said about the rest of the day, the better - oh, the chocolate tasting was attempted, but my stomach's been iffy. Beer + chocolate = not good. I did something horrible in a hotel lobby, and called it a day.
I think Jaques Torres won, but I'll see about a rematch when I'm up for it. Besides, Beamers was crowded. I hate crowds.

Sooo...party? Munch is invited? I don't think recriminations from last year would be useful to anyone. That was THEN. Why do you bring up old stuff? No coats were harmed in the coatroom incident.

Holly Jolly Shut UP!

2006-12-15T19:48:00.000-05:00

I missed yesterday - Munch TOOK my computer so he could snipe ebay auctions more efficiently. I suggested that maybe people didn't want junk from the world's biggest flea-market, and he just glared.

Caro says a get-together is brewing. A holiday party in the works? Oh, I am IN. A party is just what I need. As long as Elliot doesn't get all out of control like he did last year, things should be fine.

Speaking of getting together, I have to go play tourist with a chica I went to college with. She's in for a day, and wants to eat chocolate and look at the store windows. I was going to complain, but she mentioned that she was picking up the tab. She also wanted to compare Jaques Torres to Max Brenner - I'll let you know.

XXXMas

2006-12-13T09:56:00.000-05:00

Do not ask me where I am spending the holidays this year. I am going to work. I am definitely not going to spend them with Goatboy or Munch - if I can, I'm going to spend it hiding from them. Goatboy installed an instant messaging program on my computer so at any given moment, he can ask me one of his patented stupid questions or Munch can send me an insult. Someone ought to tell Munch that if the insultee doesn't get it and and doesn't care, it's not working. Or better yet that he should stop calling me whatever it is or I'll shove his head in a commode.

Sigh.
Anyhow, Amey made it! Whoo-hoo for her! Be nice to the tourists, Amey, they mean well even though they are dumb. I should buy you a drink.

And if I weren't mistaken, I could have sworn I saw Axe in there, among Amy and Ann, and Nomi is still writing! These are all good things.

Now if only someone could make that dork Munch quit bragging about his "leet haxxor skillz" and fix my email, all would be well!

I'm Back

2006-12-12T05:27:00.000-05:00

Okay, shake-ups at work, illnesses, problems with Goatboy - and I'm serious, Goatboy was on YouTube, which was very, very odd - and many things, not a single one of them good.

I've been locked out of my email for months, and only Munch has been able to reach me because he set up a default address. Has anyone else emailed? Uh, does gmail shut you down if you don't log in?

If you really want me back, here I am. I'm not workin' weekends, though. Yeah.

A quickie again!

2006-10-25T12:28:00.000-04:00

1) Still coughing
2) None of you love me anymore
3) Goatboy's bronchitis-fu is stronger
4) Munch put a CAT in my aparment! Bastard!
5) Partner. Freckles. Strange.
6) Read NBC boards with lame cop show with actor that sort of looks like me...why all the hate????
7) Locked out of my email...too ill to figure out what happened...

Oh, For F*ck's Sake!!!

2006-10-11T05:25:00.000-04:00

All right, so I got pnuemonia, and I'm told it's in bad taste to call it the Jim Henson Death Disease. And if YOU try to choke down Munch's mother's recipe for matzoh ball soup, you'll understand how bad these past few weeks have been. Errrgh. Mrs. Munch mave have been a saint, but she was no chef. I don't even LIKE matzoh ball soup. I had to smuggle them out in kleenex.
Gahhhhh, so THEN, I had plane tickets, and I already paid for them, so damned if I'm NOT gonna go ahead and use them, so despite it maybe being a bad idea, I went to Oakland to visit my cousin Goatboy. Yeah, Goatboy. He plays guitar - don't ask.
Anyhow, long story short, Goatboy hitches in from San Diego, I fly into Modesto, rent a car, and we drive into San Francisco.
Now, I'm still kinda sick and dizzy, so not at the top of my game. I ask after we walk a few blocks, "Hey, you remember where we parked?" He says "Yeah," and we head on our merry way. A few hours and a few beers later, it's time to go. I say "So, where's the car?" and he answers "In the garage."
You do see the problem, right?
We circle the greater downtown SF area for two hours trying to find the exact combination of the bank machine he used, the coffee place I stopped at, and the McDonald's where he used the restroom. It's cold, dark, and kinda wet, and no offense, but San Fran has parts that really smell like ass.
We finally bribe a cabbie $20 to take us back under the municipal parking sign that I remembered - and lo and behold, 3/4 of a block away, there's the car. Needless to say, this did NOT help my illness.
To make matters worse, Goatboy needed to get a doctor's excuse to skip work at the guitar shop the next day - and it turns out, he WAS sick. Bronchitis. Contagious.
We couldn't even order a pizza over the phone - we sounded like obscene callers.
After that, the flight home in coach seemed like luxury, except for the screaming babies. I was even happy to see Munch and his matzoh balls for a moment.

It is I, John Munch

2006-09-27T10:10:00.000-04:00

Not that it's any of you people's business, but it was a callus. Don't ask. I have a skin allergy to water, thanks to all the "extras" put in there - and the people who sell the filters are all part of the scam, and I need a new brand of bottled water, I suppose, not that I LIKE buying into their scam...but I digress....
The big lug has pnuemonia.
No, I'm not kidding you, pnuemonia. He went home, didn't call anyone for two weeks and then the lab tech he's been seeing found him on the floor. Relax. He was sleeping there on purpose.
He'd made some kind of pillow pyramid, because when he laid down, he couldn't breathe - did I mention he likes to call other people weird while being completely insane himself?
Anyhow, she screamed bloody murder, got him to the doctor, he's on antibiotics, and still can't sit up for any amount of time.
He told me to tell you that The Devil's Candy is a really good book, and that the ten hardest english words to translate are:
1. Plenipotentiary
2. Gobbledygook
3. Serendipity
4. Poppycock
5. Googly
6. Spam
7. Whimsy
8. Bumf
9. Chuffed
10. Kitsch
I told him nobody would care, and he told me to shove it. I think he's feeling better.
JM, up and out.

The Truth Will Out

2006-09-07T23:09:00.000-04:00

And it's rarely pleasant.
Every five years or so, Munch has a serious health scare. I don't pay too much attention - usually, I'm not his go-to guy, and I hear about it after, but this time...
I'm a bad friend. He asked me to look at something - I said ok, but as soon as his hands went to his zipper, I said "Hell NO." Our health plan is bad, but we have one, and I don't care HOW bad it is, there's still people that get PAID to see that. Anyway, it's not like I'm an expert - I'm only an expert on ONE, and I'm keeping it that way!
"I know you hate doctors, but I don't care. Go see one...or put it in yogurt and take your chances, and if it falls off, I don't want to hear it."
He whined and mewed, and we went to see Rodgers, and she said she wasn't anywhere near drunk enough and made him an appointment for Monday, so we'll see what we see. I agreed to go sit in the waiting room with him, but if anyone thinks I'm that kind of partner - not that there's anything wrong with that - he owes me big.

My Friends Are Weird -

2006-09-04T23:43:00.000-04:00

But you knew that already. Carolyn was being really weird about me missing all that work, but then she bought me a hilarious and and very helpful shirt (you'll have to go to her blog and see it). Meanwhile, I think Elliot's been leaving messages on my machine in odd voices, pretending to be everyone from Schmendrick the Magician to the Marquis de Carabas - and no, Stabler, I do not owe you a Very Big Favor.
However, the weirdest of all is, of course, Munch, who, get this, is now hyperexcited about two things neither of which he will shut up about unless he's talking about the other.
The first is the death of Steve Irwin, who he's convinced was a victim of a network of aliens working with non-mammalian species, and getting rid of their chief tormentor was a sign of good faith. That's so wrong I can't even begin to start at which end the wrong begins.
The second, slightly less twisted thing is the recovery of those Munch paintings. It wouldn't be so bad, but beleive it or not, he wants to DRIVE to Europe to see them. I said that was right out. He's got some harebrained scheme involving a Turkish freighter, but if the last time he tried that is any indication, there's no way this is even remotely safe. I need to go look up the name of those fish that swim up your urethra, just to be sure; it's the only way to deter him. He won't go near the ocean for weeks after remembering those suckers. Sure, he'll only sponge-bathe, too, but I can stand down-wind from him.

Ow. ow. Ow.

2006-08-30T17:06:00.000-04:00

I'm just now recovering. See, once my stomach thing subsided, I went to an Emmy party - shut up, free nachos! - and my show won, so in your face! To celebrate the stunning victory of The Office and Tony Shalhoub, and the fact that I made back a lot of the money that I dumped in the Oscar pool, I had an entire bowl of not-quite-jelled-jello-shots...and I woke up today. Damn. Fine party, very fine party. Too bad I can't remember whose house it was at, because I really liked those pants.

Death, Warmed Over

2006-08-24T23:52:00.000-04:00

And Munch is sitting here like the Grim Reaper, all dressed in black and chortling during a Charmed marathon. I swear to dog, if there's anything worse than death by your own digestive system, it's suffering it while someone watches every crappy fantasy/sci-fi TV show ever made. I'm surprised he hasn't managed to track down a channel showing Manimal or something.
If you ask me, the old pervert just has the hots for Shannon Dougherty, which in itself is pretty barf-inducing. I shouldn't rag on him, though. He's been here the whole time I've been sick. For some reason, I'm thinking that should be making me think of something, but I can't quite put it together...

Yes, He Is That Stupid

2006-08-23T06:12:00.000-04:00

Wondering where Mike's been?
Well, let's call this a litmus test of his intelligence. Never ever accept mystery brownies when you know somebody's mad at you. Or if you do, and then you come down with a mystery ailment that you politely call the stomach flu, don't keep eating the brownies! I think I'm going to stop soon. I'm concerned for his health; well, that and I'm spending a fortune on ex-lax.
Then again, when I start to feel sorry for the big lug, I just think about how that slurpee felt when he upended it on me. Excuse me...I think I have some baking to do.
JM, over and out.

Movies, Munch and Mayhem

2006-08-16T06:15:00.000-04:00

I'm not even going to bother telling you how the gulag came into the argument. Suffice to say that Munch gets testy and defensive when it comes to films.
He's STILL sulking because nobody went to see Blade II with him, and that was what, ten years ago? So every time there's a movie he wants to see and you won't go with him the same day he decides to go, he gets all huffy and whiny and mutters "Fine. Then I won't see it - just like Blade"
I try to point out that the reason nobody would see that one with him is because it was horrible, but he won't listen to reason. Does it matter to him that he rented it and had to turn it off due to massive crapitude? No, it does not. Pretty much the same thing happened during Daredevil, the movie so sucktacular that I got up and left even though we were watching it at my place. I think Munch and I have got to agree to disagree about movies based on comic books, as we seem to have very firm and divergent opinions. We're not allowed back at the place we saw Spiderman II, and the less said about Batman Returns incident, the better.
Anyhow, we agreed that Supes looked kinda plastic and Lois was a little too youthful. When he pointed out that Superman was really coming off like a super-stalker, I had to agree, and he, in turn, did think it was pretty skanky of Lois to hop into bed with Richard White so quickly that she (and he) could have thought the kid was his. We were in total agreement that the kid subplot was not only heavy-handed but dumb, and the messiah-comparison was sketchy in the extreme. However, when he says that Gene Hackman was a better Lex Luthor than Kevin Spacey, he's just being ridiculous. Hackman was good, great, even, but Spacey was simply the best Lex ever. Okay, hiring Kumar from Harold and Kumar go to White Castle may have been a tactical error, but other than that? Brilliant!
And whatever his (stupid) opinion might have been, he didn't have to dump a large extra-buttered popcorn on my head. I think pouring a slurpee on him was only justified after that - and of course I used his slurpee; I was drinking mine. I don't think I've been madder at him since the Gulag incident, and since that was the case, of course I brought it up, and he trotted out the same pack of lies he always uses about that.
Until he apologizes, he can sit and sulk in his slurpee-covered shorts. If he thinks I'm seeing The Illusionist with him, he's nuts. Well, okay, he's already nuts, but this time, I mean it.

It's Short, Because It's Monday

2006-08-14T15:06:00.000-04:00

Okay, I'm just gonna quit going to the movies with people. As Carolyn metioned, Munch and I are on the outs again, primarily because of his repeated lies about whether or not he was ever in a Russian Gulag, but the whole fight started because of Superman Returns. I was in a bad mood to begin with, considering my original plans fell through, but then, I agreed to see it with him.
Now, I'd heard it sucked, which made me a little reluctant to blow 3 hours of my life on it, but he got all pouty and whiny, and god knows we don't want a repeat of what happened with Blade. And that's where our troubles began.....
(I'll explain that and the assault on my person after the last movie tomorrow - today, there is crime.)

More Notes

2006-08-08T13:58:00.000-04:00

1) My partner is an excellent cook. Just so you know.
2) Still not answering questions about the g/f.
3) Got punched in the nose re: Lady in the Water.

Some Questions Answered

2006-08-04T08:18:00.000-04:00

Here goes:
Carolyn: Absolutely, especially if you're cooking. Tonight? Tomorrow? ....wait, tomorrow afternoon, I'm seeing Lady in the Water and I think I'm supposed to buy dinner after, so, when?
Nomi: I've see Pirates a LOT. And I should mention how much I like your story. Fiction, thank everything, but better than most one comes across! At least I'm not going to Hogwarts in a Tardis or any weird crap like that. (However, for anyone reading this? Hogwarts in a Tardis beats kissing - or worse - a guy any day. So if you're writing, please take my opinion on that into account, please.) Seriously, people should look-see, because Nomi writes well.
Anonymous: Not that it's any of your bees-wax, but I am over 40 and Munch is over 50. That's as good as you get.
Riccie: The rabbit was offered drinks. He chose water and eating socks instead. I beleive Munch's socks are so old that they have hallucinogenic properties anyway.
Penguin: Hello! Glad you are well, and this goes for all of the penguin brigade.
Ann: Yes, I have been driven to Wang's, where I toasted you with a margarita and patted the luck cat for Fiona and all of your loved ones over there.
Elliot: I have met many english teachers - they're a little too crazy for me. I don't think I could hit that level of nuts if I tried.
And for anyone I missed...well, hello.
Ask, and you shall be answered - eventually.

Wednesday

2006-08-02T06:33:00.000-04:00

Bleah. I am NOT looking forward to today at work, despite the a/c. Paperwork! More and more and more. Munch fed his to his new rabbit; I have no such resource.
Gahh, so I'm gonna sit here and do my paperwork, then go home and watch a lousy cop show. I gave up and tried to find something non-alcoholic - you know how hard it is to find drinks without corn syrup - besides water, I mean. I went to the grocery store, and that's all I ended up with. $40 of water???? What the hell???
Oh, and a bottle of Bima Peach tea, which was rather tasty, actually. Wonder how it would be with rum in it....????

I've Been Profiled!

2006-07-31T03:09:00.000-04:00

So, in an effort to keep the library-fine-incident from occurring again, I took at stack back to the library.
The librarian checked them back and looked up at me very, very strangely. I asked her why, and she looked nervous and asked what I did for a living. When I told her I was in law enforcement, she looked visibly relieved.
Apparently, according to the books I checked out, they figured I was either a cop who liked eating and the odd spot of lit theory, or a homicidal english teacher who ate his victims. I don't see why people found that funny - I see what some people do; no WAY am I eating them!

Problem Solved

2006-07-27T22:28:00.000-04:00

Hah.
Munch called me from the pet store. He's buying a real rabbit to chase the imaginary one he keeps seeing. I guess I don't have to re-home that rabbit after all.
Uh, oops.
I better break into his place and make sure that's the right kind of rabbit. I don't want to contribute to pet overpopulation, or give Munch an *actual* heart attack. Well, ok, the heart attack might be funny...but no. I'll be responsible. It's less fun, but more humane.

A Note of Warning

2006-07-24T09:01:00.000-04:00

If John Munch ever, ever tells you he knows how to deal with a heat wave, punch him very,very hard before he can speak.
I used up all my vacation days, I think, because he had the bright idea that we should pose as each other's MOM and phone each other in sick. Not only that, the stupid bastard phoned me in dead.
In theory, hitting the sale at the liquor store and buying three ice tubs - one for my feet, one for his feet, and one for the booze was a great idea. In practice? Ice shots, bad. Listening to Munch's theory that the faster we got drunk, the faster we'd forget about how hot it was, even worse.

Hot

2006-07-18T22:52:00.000-04:00

Oh, god, it's far too hot to think, to breathe, to be alive. I can't stand the heat, and I can't get out of the kitchen, so to speak.
I can only drink so many margaritas...maybe I should try to break my personal record.
This is why the updates have been slow. It is also why I've been sleeping in the breakroom - MCS has better a/c than I do.
Oh, and Munch think that the heat is boiling his brain, and he's hallucinating about seeing rabbits.

Yeah....I oughtta clear that up for him, and I will. Soon. As soon as it stops amusing me, that is.

Poetry Day!

2006-07-12T19:31:00.000-04:00

Bourbon Snitches

Last night
the booze monkeys
crept into my room
reaching for my bottle
I spilt the last swallow
right on my pillow
damn those monkeys
now I have to leave the house

weeping in my socks and shoes
I dressed and headed for the store
grabbed a pint and forty
walking home the booze monkeys called
“What now?”
“Did you get it?”
“Yes”
“Okay, better see who’s at the bar.”
“You’re right.”

Scotty and Joe were there
and the barkeep
I affectionately call “Double Pour”
I knew I was in trouble
or heaven

six friends and eight shots later
I mumbled “Thanks.”
then stumbled home
the booze monkeys
were still up waiting

I cracked the bottle
and opened the beer
as we began our primal ritual
soon the beer was gone
and the bottle was empty

the monkeys had passed out
I set my alarm and scribbled a note
“Dear Booze Monkeys,
thanks for a wonderful time.
Please don’t forget
to call in sick.”

as I laid my head
on my gin soaked pillow
I felt something underneath
the pillow hid a small bottle
of bourbon
“God bless you monkeys”
I thought to myself
as I cracked the bottle
I sure am glad
those monkeys
know how to use the phone

—Peter Flye

7/11

2006-07-11T09:52:00.000-04:00

I called in today.
They asked why, and I patiently explained, "It's a religious observance."
"...it is?"
"Yes. I'll be in tomorrow. Catch you later, and enjoy the paperwork."
I mean, really. Who doesn't know that you celebrate the rites of summer on 7/11 with a humongeos slurpee?
If you know the clerk well enough ($20-50 usually fosters a fine acquaintance) you can have vodka added directly to the mix. Pick the right clerk, and they will hang an "out-of-order" sign on the machine, and ensure you all-day fruity alcohol goodness.
So, I am spending the day on my roof with slurpee, wading pool and bikini-clad lab tech.
I tell you, life is good.

A Note

2006-07-07T23:31:00.000-04:00

*ahem* Mike Logan is not avaliable at the moment, as he is shouting nonsense about "scurvy dogs" and "Yo, ho." I have attempted several times to tell him this behavior does not suit his age or his gray hairs, and was only called a "filthy lubber" for my trouble.
I think the six empty bottles of rum may have something to do with this. Someone should tell him that *real* pirates don't just use it for mixed drinks.
Thank you, Mr. Depp, from the bottom of my heart. I've always wanted to babysit a five-year-old who's actually 50 and who feels the need to keep telling me over and over again about the time he met Keith Richards and how he's still owed $20 by said aged rock star. If you come to New York I personally guarantee you all the parking and jaywalking tickets you can handle.
Hang on a second - MIKE - SHUT UP! It's a MOVIE based on a theme park ride!!! It's NOT a valid lifestyle choice and it wasn't funny the FIRST hundred times you said it!
Sigh.
I'd go back to my place, but there's this...smell, and I keep seeing things dash around out of the corner of my eye. I think maybe the building has a carbon monoxide problem, and I'm hallucinating or something, so I'm crashing at Logan's. Hmmm. Maybe I'll check his answering machine for him...I'm sure he won't mind. Heheheh.

Back to the Grind

2006-07-05T15:58:00.000-04:00

Ok. At work with hangover. Check messages, annoyed message from girlfriend. Was unaware we had agreed to that status - not opposed, just surprised.
Meanwhile, the rabbit is still at Munch's. Luckily, we split the services of a cleaning lady, so I just told her that he was doing an experiment, and that she should feed him and clean up after him. Once we established that I meant the bunny, not Munch, she understood - "Same deal as the squirrels?" she said, and I assured her it was.
Rabbits are weird - it charged my foot, like it was gonna take me on. I outweigh it by...well, neveryoumind. It's a lot, that's all. It's been chewing on stuff, too. I wonder how long before he notices?
Carolyn tried to call, but I had my phone off...which means I may have missed the chance to say goodbye to Axe. I hope not.

A Short Note.

2006-06-30T16:18:00.000-04:00

"Mike, my apartment smells funny."
"Look, with the amount you drank, I'm not surprised."
"It's not that - it's a barnyard-like smell. It's odd. And I dreamed a very small goat was eating my hair."
"Ohhh-kayy. See my comment about the drinking."
"Cripes, Logan. Well, there's only one thing to do."
"Drink more?"
"You are correct, my overgrown friend."
----
Ahh, sweet predictability. We'll be in and out over the weekend. You have a good holiday, too.

Things That Go Boom and Hop

2006-06-29T08:43:00.000-04:00

First a note to Elliot - why yes, that may have been the error. The Phantom Bomber thanks you.
Ok, and this is why I skipped yesterday, no lie - I found a rabbit. I'm not kidding you, a freaking rabbit. Someone dumped their pet bunny in the park! How screwed up is that? Sheesh, so I call the Aspca and they tell me the thing's not sounding too adoptable, so I get online at work - I put it in a drawer, and let me tell you, I'm glad it wasn't my desk, because it chewed and pooped on everything - and found a rabbit rescue organization. They asked me if I could hang onto it until after the 4th, and I said sure. I mean, it's only a few days.
I took him to his temporary home, and he made a rabbity mess and hopped under the bed. Man. That's gonna be a real pain in the butt to deal with. Poor Munch....what? Oh, hell NO, it can't stay at my place. I'll just take Munch out drinking and tell him if he sees a rabbit in his apartment he's going crazy. Hey, it worked with the squirrells.

For the Record

2006-06-27T12:40:00.000-04:00

Let us make one thing perfectly clear between us: Nobody knows how that fire started on the roof of One Police Plaza. Capice?
Apparently the security cameras were taken out in the blast, which means we will never ever catch the person or persons who did it.
I understand that the Chief of Detectives is upset about the sprinkler systems going off in his office while he was in there. I do know that many high-ranking people were inconvenienced, flustered, and soaked.
I assure everyone that my pants leg was set aflame in an entirely unrelated incident, as the staff of Wang's Discount Sushi will glady attest.
That is all.

All Work and No Play Makes Mike...

2006-06-26T09:39:00.000-04:00

Really frickin' bored.
I am done with my work today, unless I dig into the cold cases, or do someone else's work...and that made me throw up a little in my mouth just thinking about it. No, no extra work for me, thanks.
Sigh
Bored, so bored. La la la, no interesting stuff on this website, none on that...HEY, that one's blocked? Since when? I need to do research, dammit!
Crap. Maybe I'll just sit here and read wikipedia. The whole damn thing, that is.
Bored.
Bored.
Bored.
Oh, look. This site shows you how to make fireworks at home! Or at work, one presumes, assuming you have access to the required chemicals. My, my, my. These *do* look like the sort of thing you'd find in a well-stocked lab, not unlike the lab here, which has always struck me as being well-stocked.
Hmmm.
I'll be back. Just stretching my legs, not doing anything suspicious...

More Grumbling

2006-06-23T22:35:00.000-04:00

I decided that stress makes me tired. I phoned in sick after waking up late, and...I didn't tell you, did I? Right after the last post, the power blew in the building. I hate that. It's not only that it gets loathsomely hot, it's also that I think some really stupid stuff. Like when the computer went blooey, and I sat there in the dark, I thought Oh, well, I'll go watch TV. Wait, power's out. Ok, maybe a DVD. Yes, I can be that dumb when frustrated.
And this is the LAST time I ask Munch to help me clean the place up. He just puts things in bags and stuffs them in the spare room. I tripped over the bazillion bags while looking for the booklight I bought during *last*& summer's outages. For a minute I wondered why I had so much junk, like that second booklight I bought and left in the hallway - and so I ran back out there...but you guessed it. Bagged randomly and stuffed somewhere in the pile.
I can't read comfortably by candlight, even with the large candle that I bought the day before on a total whim...talk about timing, hunh? So I went to a bar, Mona's, if you must know, and drank in the air-conditioning until they closed, then came home and fell asleep on my roof. Ergo, I did not hear the alarm when it didn't go off.
Carolyn called, though. I only mentioned that I'd had a crap day, and I think she did, too. While it sucks that we had a lousy time, it's nice to know she understands grouchiness.

Lateness

2006-06-22T07:15:00.000-04:00

Sorry I'm late with the post again. This time, I have an even better excuse. I met up with a friend of mine - no one you know - and ended up having a yelling argument with one of their friends. Nice. This is why I dislike large groups. There's always one person there who seems to single me out as the person who's most likely to rise to the bait, and I don't know why, but I do.
I've had minor clashes with this friend-of-a-friend before, and I've tried hard to be cool with them. We don't agree on politics? No, that's ok, but I'll hear you out. Religion? Fine, we can agree to disagree. We both like the same book? Great! Let's talk about books instead.
But nooooo, instead, today, you want to argue. Fabulous. You know what? This, I don't need. Look, you may think you've hidden the attitude well, but you didn't.
I think I crossed the line when someone said, "Hey, Mike, it's not personal" and I answered with "It is now. Go F@#K yourself."
This is why I tell people I have loads of friends, but I don't like very many of them.
I'm going back in my cave.

Tuesday, Again

2006-06-20T18:12:00.000-04:00

I should maybe just say I don't blog on Mondays. If I work on Mondays, I can pretty much skive off the rest of the week, and that, my friends, is a prospect which appeals to me greatly.

So, I didn't get a lot done this weekend except seeing X-Men 3 again. I still can't figure out what's up with Wolverine's hair or his pants, and I've decided I'm not even gonna try. I also tried to get caught up on the old DVR list...I watched the last five episodes of Conviction and I mean that literally, since it got cancelled. It's a shame, really. I blame David E. Kelly, because he's really pissed all over the lawyer show genre like a dog marking its territory. Not that I like lawyer shows to begin with - I know lawyers;[p I just don't see the fascination.

Oh, but Elliot? I finally finished Anansi Boys and I have to say I was pretty happy with it. We really do need to go on that adventure.

It's the End of the World As We Know It

2006-06-14T23:34:00.000-04:00

But I feel fine. Munch is another story. It turns out he went to this swanky restaraunt to treat himself - he claims that nobody can truly enjoy an overpriced meal unless they eat alone, because otherwise, there's too much pressure to enjoy yourself - and while he doesn't bat his eye at a $8 scoop of ice cream served in a martini glass, the appetizer was too much, even for him.

"Twenty. Dollars. For a [expletive deleted] pretzel!" He was still incoherent with rage three days later.
"Must've been some pretzel, then, hunh?"
"How would I know? I didn't stoop to their level! I'm not falling for their designer snack food! That's what's wrong with this city - no, this country, hell with it, this is the downfall of western civilization."
"It's just a preztel, John." I shouldn't have said that.
"That's the whole point! Don't you see..." That's when I held the phone away from my ear for awhile. I disticntly heard the phrases "marxist economics," "grey aliens" and "cuba libre" - I didn't ask why. I sat there for twenty mintues, and when I heard, "automat," I knew he was winding down, so I told him I'd talk to him tomorrow.
The worst part is, I'm not sure I got the name of the restaraunt, and now I really wanna try this pretzel. I mean, for $20? That's gotta be some pretzel, right?

I Skipped Monday

2006-06-13T08:08:00.000-04:00

Yes, I did, and I don't regret it at all. I told Carolyn I was ready to paint eyes on my eyelids to see if anyone would notice, and she just snorted and said I'd been watching the Pirates of the Carribean trailer too many times. As if that were at all possible.
I spent the weekend searching my apartment, up, down, over and under. I now have exactly zero overdue books. I count that as a great moral victory. I also found where KD hid my porn. I assure you, that had nothing to do with why I didn't write my post. Maybe.
In related news, I have broken out my blender in honor of summer. Now, admittedly, the beer slurpee was ill-advised, but I still think it can be done. For the moment, I shall stick with traditional frozen drinks...except I have this nifty recipe for frozen vodka lemonade, and I *think* I can make an artic snakebite...ok, so it's just going to be a repeat of last summer's disasters, but I drink all the mistakes anyway, so there's no alcohol going to waste.
And Munch needs to stop calling me, because the sky is not falling and the endtimes are not upon us. I can't even make out what he's saying in half of these messages; all I could make out was the word "pretzel." I don't even think I wanna know.

Still Sick

2006-06-09T23:49:00.000-04:00

I checked my email for the first time in forever. Thank you for all the notes - I do appreciate them, actually. Well, not the 147 I got from J. Munch. That was pushing it. Also, the one that played "Can't Get You Out of my Head?" Same here.

I'd like to note that Nomi's story makes me happy. Now if I could only see straight and breathe outta my nose, life would be good!

No Lie

2006-06-08T23:58:00.000-04:00

I have been in bed with an allergy attack for an *entire* week. This is New York! There's not supposed to be any nature to make me sick!
This is awful. If I didn't have the dvd of The Office to distract me, I don't know what I'd do.

A Forward from Carolyn

2006-06-01T23:47:00.000-04:00

Blame her - don't shoot the messenger.

The Guys' Rules

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down Finally, the guys' side of the story.
(I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear "the rules" from the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1"
ON PURPOSE!

1. Men ARE not mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible , please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation,
or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Looking Up

2006-05-24T15:05:00.000-04:00

I do feel moderately better - thanks to a concentrated effort on people's behalf to cheer me up. Of course, Nomi, I'm looking forward to the next chapter.
Did you know there's a restaraunt around here that serves nothin' but fries? I think I may use my free-meal-from-Carolyn on that. Seems like a shame not to make her buy me a steak, but....nothing but fries? Whoa. Unless you have better ideas....oh, whom'I kidding? Wang's! We should go to Wang's.
I still have to talk to Munch, or he's gonna pout for weeks. I know how he gets. Sooner or later, I'm gonna break down and talk to him if he doesn't call me.
But on to other things. I think that I need to take in a show. Bad Shakespeare? Broadway? Watching people break up in Central Park?
That may be the worst thing I've ever done to a stranger on a social basis. I've joined an argument - hey, they have it in public, anyone can play, right? You'd be surprised how touchy folks get, but if you give them a mutual enemy, they seem to gloss over their differences fast. Funny, that.

Back At Work

2006-05-22T15:25:00.000-04:00

I'm drinking coffee so nobody else uses a green marker to draw a...a...phallus on the side of my face while I sleep at my desk.
Yeah, that's what they did. Jerks.
Bleah. I had a HUGE argument with Munch this weekend, and nothing anyone says can manage to cheer me up. I feel like just walking away and not talking to people - and now it's Monday. Whee.

Not even Wang's Discount Sushi can help. I'm gonna try, but my heart will not be in it.

Shhhh

2006-05-19T00:34:00.000-04:00

I am so tired that I fell asleep on my desk. Carolyn took pictures of me drooling. Why can I sleep all day and not at night?
Someone drew on me. This means war. It's only funny when I do it. The phantom artist will rue the day, I tell you.
Why are there seventeen hang-ups on my phone, and one angry message from Munch claiming he's been calling all day? Sheesh! I should ask Carolyn what he wants, but the last time I did that, she threw something at me.

Unless I get a better offer, maybe I better go out with him tomorrow.

Back To Work

2006-05-15T12:21:00.000-04:00

I managed to dodge the Munch, and he was gone when I was ready to leave. I'm not sure he even knew I was there. I need to call and ask why he was at my place, because Caorlyn left me another message about him. Since she's being kind enough to help me with my desk, it's the least I can do.
This year's Mother's Day pity-party did not go as planned. This isn't a bad thing, because maybe it's best to move on from some things.
Some things, though, you don't forget, like being the kid who acted up at school. I was telling someone about that. Why do you do it? Attention, probably, a little boredom, or maybe the only thing you can control at that age is getting yourself in trouble.
And you ever notice some of the bad little boys only liked the little girls whose hair fell out of their braids, who sassed the teachers back - we snuck looks at them from where we were standing in the corner, we ate paste to make them say "Ewwww" or better yet "So?" and we wrote them notes that we turned into paper balls to bounce off of their heads to say "Look at me! I like you!" to get a kick in the shins so we knew they liked us, too.
Being a kid can be lonely - and growing up doesn't help much. What can you do, but flick rubberbands, and hope?

Come over here, lady
Let me wipe your tears away
Come a little nearer, baby
'cause you'll heal over
Heal over, Heal over someday

And I don't wanna hear you tell yourself
That these feelings are in the past
You know it doesn't mean they're off the shelf
Because pain's built to last
Everybody sails alone
But we can travel side by side
Even if you fail
You know that no one really minds
Come over here, lady

Don't hold on, but don't let go
I know it's so hard
You've got to try to trust yourself
I know it's so hard, so hard

Come over here, lady
Let me wipe your tears away
Come a little nearer, baby
'cause you'll heal over,
heal over, heal over someday

Sleep, Glorious Sleep

2006-05-13T08:59:00.000-04:00

So, yes, I dropped off the face of the earth again. That's what happens when you don't sleep for three days, then get on the wrong train and fall asleep.
Sheesh. I have like twenty messages on this phone, and none of them are the ones I was waiting for.
And tomorrow is Mother's Day. Whooo, great. Just. Great.
Why is Munch asleep on my couch? That's very odd. Ah, well, best not to disturb his beauty sleep, since he really, really needs it. I'll just put his hand in this nice warm pan of water to make sure that he's comfortable. Hee hee.
Ok, heading back off to bed. One of these days, I will manage to sleep while it's dark.

Monday As It Were

2006-05-09T00:06:00.000-04:00

So, Carolyn did my laundry. I have truly perfected the art of "Just kidding - unless you're gonna do it." I have the best partner in the whole world. And hah-ha-ha, I do not need my undies handled with tongs...
Seriously, she so rocks. And now, Elliot wants to go on an adventure. I worry a bit - but I'm also intrigued. However, El, we are not going into New York Below.
I also haven't seen the man in black since I crawled under my rock. However, since he essentially tossed me down a hill last time I saw him, I think I can be forgiven.
Ok, so movie stuff I promised. Tomorrow, I continue it.
So, I went to see V for Vendetta by myself, and it was glorious. I'd read the book, and it was complicated, interesting, and just way cool, like everything Alan Moore writes. Elliot can tell you this, I'm sure.
However, it was a) a book, which makes it easier to have mutiple plot threads, and b) written about Margaret Thatcher's Britain. These would not work for an American movie audience 20 years later, so changes were necessary.
I liked it - I liked it a lot. Some people are going to whine about distorting the book, and losing some of the plot...hey, it happens in adaptation. Good books do not good movies make without some tweaking.
The Thatcher thing? Most of us wouldn't get it - hell, this film's target audience wasn't even potty-trained during the Thatcher years, I don't think. It's talking a little about issues now, and that's fine. Deal. It's a plot point.
The only thing I stuck on was V saying he loved Evey. That was...odd. But if you look at it this way, it makes sense: He doesn't mean Evey as herself. He means her as freedom, as a life past revenge, of a life without masks and knives. V is for vengeance, Evey is for vitality - a new life built out of the rubble of the old.
Or maybe I just like the explosions and the Kung-fu.

The Long Dark Tea-Time

2006-05-07T22:35:00.000-04:00

I think I hate Sundays. I know I do, actually. I always have - they mean the weekend is over, and your whole day off is ruined because you're worrying about the next day. It's like Sunday is one big ticking clock.
So I got nothing done, and I just bounced off the walls - not literally - putting books down, picking them up, looking at things I need to get to and not getting to them. I went to the grocery store and couldn't find anything I wanted to eat.
I was really tempted to sleep the whole day away, but then I would have fast-forwarded to Monday, and that would have sucked even more.
I hope everyone else had a better weekend.

Working on the Weekend

2006-05-06T06:48:00.000-04:00

I've been all wrapped up again, and haven't written much. I've been busy throwing paper balls at someone, because they will not tell me what I want to know, but she just glares at me.
She's having a movie night, though, I heard. Not with Munch. Hmmmm.
Oh, and she told me something else, which made me throw up in my mouth a little. Now that did involve Munch - ew.
Stabler thinks we should hang out, and I think he's right. The dude has good tatse in books, what can I say? I forgot to ask him about War for the Oaks - an excellent book, I trust he'll agree.
Other than that though, I've been hanging out on my roof, enjoying the warm spring nights, and thinking more than I should. But my mind was agreeably engaged. I've been meditating on the very great pleasure which a pair of fine eyes and the face of a pretty woman can bestow. What's wrong with that?

A Secret Language

2006-05-03T12:57:00.000-04:00

I'm not terribly good with what we call traditional other languages - actually, I'm fairly hopeless at them, aside from being able to repeat a few phrases learned by repetition - and yes, "I am sorry, but I am already sleeping with your friend, but perhaps we can work something out" is one of them.
However, there's a few other different languages that people don't stop to think about, and those, out in plain sight that most people don't process, are a little trickier, and yet, we navigate them instinctively.
Body language for example, and tonal analyzaition, or getting what people mean or what they're not saying through watching them move, hearing what's in their voice.
Another one's more encoding, oddly enough, where the use of words becomes something you need to look at - for example, I had a teacher in grade school who used to make us say "I didn't remember" instead of "I forgot" because she refused to let us think we'd done something positive. Weird, hunh? And yet, perps will do it - "I caught a charge" - not "I committed a crime" or victims, especially domestic ones will say "When I got hit," instead of "He (or she) hit me."
Where am I going with this? I have no idea. Those are just the ones I can think of off the top of my head. Women have their own language when it comes down to it, when they're dealing with us, like they've made a better study, sometimes, than most of us do.
And there's a secret language it seems, between people who are really desperate to have someone understand them, or people with the same problems, the same questions, the same needs.

Where am I going with this? Hell if I know. Must be the beer, or the fact that after yesterday's beers, my keyboard stopped working for some odd reason, and I felt like the world was trying to tell me something - again with the secret languages, hunh?

But anyway, after dinner with Carolyn, I learned a lot and very little. First off, she's really never gonna tell me who it was that she was flirting with that wasn't interested - or she thinks she's not. She underestimates my pest-ifying powers. Also, I leaned that burritos make her belch, a lot - or maybe she realized how much that bugged me.
Speaking of bugging me, she also made that crack about thinking with my brain - I do, too damn much, actually. Maybe she meant I should quit brooding and just go with it for a while. That might be good advice.
And no, I didn't cheat. Take that how you will.

Monday, Monday - Can't Trust That Day

2006-05-01T06:42:00.000-04:00

If Carolyn thought my mood was weird before, then man, will she be confused today.
I'm calling in. I've got a song stuck in my head, for no good reason at all, and I have a puzzle I need to work on.

Maybe I'll go down to the Guggenheim, and try and collect my thoughts. I could stare at The Palazzo Ducale, Seen from San Giorgio Maggiore , which always helps me, if not think, then space.

But I have my phone on. And Carolyn, maybe you should catch me for dinner or something. I owe you an explanation or six, as long as you promise not to hit me, or at least not to hit me too hard.

"That song, tonight, will not go from my mind." -- Othello

I was playing another game
I hoped you'd catch on all the same.

Thought about you all the time,
Walking round the Guggenheim.
Like a rhyme in my mind,
There you are, in my car,
But we don't drive very far....

Sunday Night

2006-04-30T21:07:00.000-04:00

Well, that was eventful. A bad cold followed by nearly 72 hours of sleeping. So why do I still feel tired? It's too cold, then it's too hot, and I have nothing to read. My head hurts when I try to watch TV, and even if I felt like going out, I'm not sure I could make it.
Ick. But I feel better.
So, I'm gonna watch Cold Case and Conviction, which I actually kinda like. I got to hear one of the actors, Anson Mount, do a reading the other day. He was good, actually. Very nice guy. The show - people should give it a chance. It needs to hit its stride, and then it'll be great, I think.
However, I was too busy being annoyed that the place I saw him at could run you $20 for a burger after tax and tags and all. That, my friends, on a cop's salary, is not what I like, even if it was a fine burger. Lucky there was a halal falafel guy with a cart nearby, so I was able to supplement that meal.
There you go. Reason number 29 to love New York - eating from carts.
And NO, that is not why I am sick...I think.

Death by Degrees

2006-04-26T13:25:00.000-04:00

When am I going to learn to listen to these nagging feelings of doom? Something really bad always follows hard on the heels of this pit-of-the-stomach depression I get, and this time is no excuse.
I thought maybe it was the mild cold, but that's not it. I was hoping it would be, but no such luck. I need to go home and sulk.
I'm in such a funk I don't even think I can eat lunch on Caro's desk. Now, that's a bad sign.

Still Living

2006-04-24T04:30:00.000-04:00

I had an awful weekend. I spent it out in the rain, directing traffic. You heard me. Traffic. Even detectives get dragged out to handle protests and such. It rained, and people still frickin' protested.
Kenny Briscoe got attacked by tourists who watched too many cop shows - and Carolyn, well, I'll let her tell you what happened to her.
It was cold and wet and gross. A sure sign of this was a shop near my house that sells vintage coats at $10 a pop. On days like this, the rack gets cleared out at least two times over. In a fit of nostalgia, I went looking for a shop in St. Mark's place, only to find out that it'd closed five years ago. Five YEARS. Great.
I meant to go to the Met. Museum of Art and hang out at the Temple of Dendur, but it was so foul out that I put on some records and went to bed.

So I hope your weekend was better.

Hello Again

2006-04-14T22:25:00.000-04:00

I am such a liar. Alex and Carolyn have nagged me for days about when I'm updating, and I keep saying, "Later" or "I'm doing it RIGHT NOW" - even Millie and teh Harp have bugged me. I swear.
Look, I will, I will talk about the movies. Really. But I got this book, you see, Neverwhere by Neil Gaiman. It's almost a textbook version of the hero's journey, but there's something really good about it. Gaiman tends to come up with such good simple ideas that it makes you wonder why someone else has never written it, or in some cases, why you hadn't done it yourself because it was something you'd always thought of. The thing you think when you read his work is: Yes, of course. That's exactly it, that's how things are.
Now, in this case, in Neverwhere it's the idea of "London Below" - the magical underside of London. You know some places seem to have another life that you can only just see out of the corner of your eyes. London, Paris - the old places, sure. In America, they're scattered, but they're there, and it's the same in other parts of the world as well.
So - have you see that? Where?

A Few More For the Road

2006-04-10T07:24:00.000-04:00

Carolyn Barek cheats at pool. Then she still loses, and then she lies. LIES, I tell you. I distincly recall winning.
The drink, however, was quite tasty. If I was a little off-balance, the person who ordered them is to blame. She can mock my imitation all she wants, but she's the one who blew her drink out of her nose laughing.

You do know I will get around to telling you about Pride and Prejudice sooner or later, right? A promise is a promise, after all.

Also, I know exactly what a "visgoth" is. I was just messing with the guy. Plus, anyone notice how testy ME Rodgers is with me? Yeah, well. She doesn't have to be so annoyed. It's not like we didn't all know about her arrangement with Lennie already. I told you so.
And one more note, to my loving partner and to my girlfriend, who have decided to gang up on me. When you buy chips and cheeze curls at the organic market, that means they are health food, not junk food. Also, dark beer is good for you and ice cream is too. People who eat out of vending machines should not throw skittles, that's all I'm saying.

Late Night Fun and Games

2006-04-05T06:33:00.000-04:00

Whee HAH.
Sorry I'm posting so late. I JUST got home. We had a good game going until some stupid *girl* started playing footsie with the GM. I swear.
We played the Hogwarts thing again. I got to be Sirius Black back from the dead, and now I'm the gyn coach. I glued Snape into his room, and since you can't apparate inside the castle, he was stuck for hours and I pretended I was the substitute potions master.
Oh, and Stabler was annoying because even as Lupin, a friggin' werewolf - he had to have a big-ass sword. Some people.

Reading the comments over - look, Sara, someone told me Idiot Girls' was a...rude book. They LIED, needless to say. I am glaring at the culprit right now - Alex - and they do not seem sorry. It was ok, I guess. Laurie Notaro's kinda funny. Axe, between you and Jules and a fertile imagination you *would* think I knew everything, but life is a voyage of discovery.

As for the food, hey, like with my books, I like variety - and a guy's gotta eat. What can I say?

I have not forgotten about Pride and Prejudice, or that I promised to tell you all about the glory of V for Vendetta. Not now. Tonight, I sleep!

Oh, and Millie? That comment is so guttered in my mind. You may want to rethink chatting up the Harp, because he plays Flitwick. That's just wrong.

A Filler Note

2006-04-03T06:39:00.000-04:00

Ok, ok. I'll answer questions today.
Stabler, the game is Tuesday, as always. We skipped because Munch claimed he needed a break - really, we all know he wussed out after we stomped his plan flat in twenty minutes. The fact that he flipped the table over in anger was my first clue.

The fifty-seven books. Arrrgh.
Ok, here's a partial list:

Haunted Castles of Britain and Ireland, A History of the Trial, The Day I Turned Uncool, Will in the World, The War of the Worlds Murder, The Eight of Swords, Alternate Universes, Japanland; A Year in Search of Wa, If You Want to Write, The Word on the Page, 100 Essential Modern Poems, Bradbury Speaks: Too Soon From the Cave, Too Far From the Stars, Deadlier than the Pen,Great Tales from English History, The Hacker Diaries, Identity Crisis, Maps in a Mirror: The Short Fiction of Orson Scott Card, Not in Kansas Anymore: A Curious Tale of How Magic is Transforming America, Passion is a Fashion: the Real Story of The Clash, The Poet and the Murderer: a True Story of Literary Crime and the Art of Forgery, The Power of Ritual, Revenge of the Paste Eaters: Memoirs of a Misfit, Tales of the City, Sex and the City, Spook: Science Tackles the Afterlife, Belushi: A Biography, Leave Me Alone, I'm Reading, The Bride's Kimono, The Glass Slipper, My Horizontal Life : A Collection of One-Night Stands, Shakespeare by Another Name: A Biography of Edward de Vere, Earl of Oxford, the Man Who Was Shakespeare, In Other Words : a Language Lover's Guide to the Most Intriguing Words Around the World, Don't Get Too Comfortable, The Idiot Girl's Action-Adventure Club, I Am Alive and You Are Dead: A Journey into the Mind of Philip K. Dick, The Skeptic's Dictionary: A Collection of Strange Beliefs, Amusing Deceptions, and Dangerous Delusions, Paying the Piper at the Gates of Dawn, Murder, my dear Watson : new tales of Sherlock Holmes, The Seven Basic Plots: Why We Tell Stories, Adaptations: From Short Story to Big Screen: 35 Great Stories That Have Inspired Great Films, The Complete Idiot's Guide to American Literature, Anansi Boys and Sex, Drugs and Cocoa Puffs.

I may have missed a few.

As for Caro's desk, she exaggerates greatly. I only ate three subs, one pizza, six, no, eight hotdogs, two falafels, one order of Mongolian Beef, five burgers, one bowl of curried goat, two takeout boxes of Wang's finest, fifteen bags of chips, half an order of super-nachos from Firey Joe's, some cake, two bags of those really great mini-donuts and a few pickles on her desk. Aside from the chili I spilled, it wasn't that much of a mess. What a whiner she is sometimes.

Who's Afraid ot the Big Bad Dork

2006-04-02T06:01:00.000-04:00

OH, MY GAWD. I take a few days off, and Stabler AND Carolyn trash-talk me.
GRRRRRR.
Ok, here's a secret. I'm LAZY! Lazy, lazy, lazy and I love it. I DO. Plus I had to write up a whole character history fot Munch's game, and I got a DVR - which means I'm on overdrive TV time, and I got a notice about my *Uh* 57 overdue library books. Yeah. Fifty-seven.
I'm kinda behind. Ok, I WILL write up what I meant to. Swear on Stabler's forehead.

More Quick Notes

2006-03-27T05:53:00.000-05:00

I'm recovering from something again. This time, it's V for Vendetta. Late tonight, I shall attempt to explain its sheer awesome-ness. For now, I bask in remembered glory.

Oh, and the COP was the hero. Yay! Ok, fine, so was V, but really, Inspector Finch was the best.

It was so good that I completely forgot that there was a Pirates of the Carribean 2 trailer...now that's good.

The down side? Alex's copy of Pride & Prejudice got here...arrgh. I mean, I like Jane Austen more than the next guy, but this version is messed up. Really. I can talk about that, too, if you like - or didn't, like I didn't.

Ok, ok, will be back. Discuss amongst yourselves.

Quickie

2006-03-22T17:35:00.000-05:00

Note to self -

Never
Never
Never
Eat stray food from the fridge again.

Fast but Not Furious

2006-03-21T17:59:00.000-05:00

Looks like MORE of the NYPD are doing this blogging thing. Stabler found a keyboard big enough for his hammy hands, and Jack Harper told me that he a few others over there were jumping on the boat.
Maybe he can drag Munch out from under his desk.
I think I'm gonna tell folks they can meet me at Wang's, and see how that goes.

Ooh, first one up - this techie who put a specimen jar on the Munch's desk. Millie has been banned from the game permanently, thanks to that stunt. And there's The Harp, who is a weird, weird boy. And finally, there's everyone's favorite ape-man, Stabler, who I'm assuming has finally gotten the smell out of his apartment. Hey, Stabler, I'm still not sorry!

Ow

2006-03-20T10:30:00.000-05:00

Why do I have the music settings up so loud? Shhh. Turn it down, willya? Ow. Ow. Ow.
I have been sleeping for over...what, 36 hours,and my head still hurts. How is that even possible? Alex got up and did her normal stuff like nothing happened at all - and I think she drank more than me...
We met up with Kenny Briscoe and Harper, and I vaguely remember something about a "Pub Bounce" - it's like a pub crawl, but you do this little dance - but I digress. Kenny was the first to fall; I remember dragging Harper away from where he lay, pantless and drunk in a booth at McSorely's saying "It's the rules of the game, kid.Respect the dead." Harper, at some point, I think, caught Irish lycanthropy, and loped off - I heard rumors about him being picked up wearing a lotta mud and not much else.
Then it was just Alex and me, and amateur hour was over, and that's when my memory cuts out. If, uh, anyone saw us...mind telling me what happened? And how did I get the legend of the Naming of Cuchulainn and the lyrics to "Molly Malone" written on my back in green marker?

Oh, and Caro? Calling me repeatedly just to make the phone go off? Har. De. Har. Har. Vengeance. I shall have Vengeance.

I May Be Gone For Awhile If You Need Me

2006-03-17T21:06:00.000-05:00

Because it's Saint Pat's! Eames and I are gonna go paint the town green, because it IS the day to be an Irish cop in this town.
In fact, I just did a little step-dance to this song, which you should really hear. Of course, then they said for me to get the hell off the bar, the spoilsports.

The lyrics? Why of course I have them:
What is the malted liquor.(beer)
What gets you drunker quicker?
What comes in bottles or in cans?(beer)
Can't get enough of it,(beer)
How we really love it,(beer)
Makes me think I'm a man,(beer)
I can kiss and hug it,(beer)
But I'd rather chug it,(beer)
Fill my belly up to here,(beer)
I could not refuse a,(beer)
I could really use a,(beer)
Beer, beer, beer.

I can't remember how much I have had,
I drank a twelve pack with my dad, BURP!
That's my son the drunken manly stud,
I'm proud to be his bud,
Here have some pretzels,
No!
I'll call it quits,
Those things give me the Schlitz!

Drink with your family,
Drink it with your friends,
Drink till you're fat,
Stomach distends,
Beer is liquid bread it's good for you,
We like to drink till we spew,
EW
Who cares if we get fat,
I'll drink to that,
As we sing once more.

What is the malted liquor,
What gets you drunker quicker,
What comes in bottles or in cans (beer)
Can't get enough of it,(beer)
How we really love it,(beer)
Makes me think I'm a man,(beer)
I can kiss and hug it,(beer)
But I'd rather chug it,(beer)
Fill my belly up to here,(beer)
Golly I adore it,(beer)
Come on dammit pour it,
Do it for me,
Brew it for me,
Feed it to me,
Speed it to me.(beer)

The most wonderful drink in the world.
Hooray.

We'll be fine. Really. Of course, Alex has already started on the loud choruses of "Molly Malone"....

Filler Stuff

2006-03-16T09:50:00.000-05:00

I don't normally do this, but what the hey - I will fill out this quiz ONCE - no more with the quizzes, unless they amuse me, got that?
(Also, Caro is standing somewhere around here...and I am getting a wee bit nervous. If you can see Carolyn Barek, she can see you. If you can't see Carolyn Barek, you may be in a great deal of trouble)

1. Do you have a nickname? (other than your blogger nickname)
Yes.

2. If so what is it?
Well, yeah, several. The Bogart, You Asshole, Logan-you-jerk, Oh-my-god-Mike-shut-up, PervyCop, and Mikey, which I'm not that keen on - nut you guys can still call me that if you want - and a few others...
Smokey-the-Bare went out with the college days, but it was rude anyhow. Couches are pants-optional zones no matter how many people live there - everyone knows that, right?

3. What is your favorite memory as a child?
Listening to my grandmother tell me about Ireland and the fairies. This is kind of a big place to put that sort of thing...and it sounds soppy.
How about the time Danny Falcone poked me in the neck with a pencil during fifth grade math, and I turned around and whapped him in the face? Sister Maria Boniface yelled at me, Danny got sent to the nurse's office, and as I was waiting to get seen by Sister Frances Mary the principal, I heard Sister M.B. chuckling to Sister Helen..."Then he turns around, and POW! You know how long I've wanted to pop that little jerk? A lovely shot, too. Had his fist just right."
Penguins is tough people.

4. What relative did you like the most?
(Besides your immediate family ex. brother\sisters\mom\dad)
My grandmother, Gran, we called her.

5. Who is your best friend?
Gahh, I'm not in high school. I mean, of course, Alex, but that doesn't mean I don't like Caro a LOT - Bobby's a good guy when he's not in a weird funk, and, of course, The Munchman is my boon companion.

But you know, there's other folks I don't mention a lot - take Harper from SVU, or Kenny Briscoe. Officer Bunny from Staten Island is a great guy...and of course there are the members of the Faery Pirate League, which is NOT as iffy as it sounds, so shutup.

I have friends. They are the best. Let's leave it at that.

Oh, and here, to get away from the mushy gunk. As long as I'm breaking form, may as well take a quiz. Surprise, surprise...who'da thunk it?

You speak eloquently and have seemingly read every book ever published. You are a fountain of endless (sometimes useless) knowledge, and never fail to impress at a party.
What people love: You can answer almost any question people ask, and have thus been nicknamed Jeeves.
What people hate: You constantly correct their grammar and insult their paperbacks.
What Kind of Elitist Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Lunch with..Rhymes-with-Lunch

2006-03-15T11:51:00.000-05:00

Heh. I will forgive my partner for her less-than-charitable remarks about my table manners - can I help it if I really like spaghetti carbonara and sometimes a fork just slows you down? - because the look on her face when our guest arrived? Priceless.
I just enjoyed watching her wriggle, especially when I got him started on the story behind his big campaign, with the vampire syndicate and their shapeshifter minions inflitrating the neutral human kindgom, while the elven empire struggles with their missing prince and the rule of the mad mourning widowed warlock...
He geeked out, she glazed over, but THEN he started talking about all the historical stuff he based it on, with the English civil wars, the reformation in Europe and a war between the Masons and the Merovingians...whoa. She was into it, they had a nice conversation - and I took notes. Hah! I'm gonna hit the library, and my character can finally make his move on the throne!

Help me, I'm a nerd.

Coming out of the Closet

2006-03-14T07:20:00.000-05:00

Um, there is something I've been hiding from you guys...even from Alex and Carolyn, and it's time you knew.
I've been hanging around with Munch a lot more...and, well, there's been an unexpected development between him and me. It started out kinda mildly, I didn't even know I liked that stuff. It was all new. But then, I couldn't get enough of it. I was making excuses to go be there all the time.
I hope you all still like me after you hear this, and Alex, I'm sorry.

I play roleplaying games. There. I said it. Munch is running these really fun games about being students at SkyHigh, or teachers at Hogwarts (he let me be Sirius Black!) or when Elliot Stabler whines hard enough, we play Dungeons and Dragons, so he can yell about his big-ass sword. He also smells kinda funny, but he brings the Doritos, so what can you do?

Man...last week? My character at SkyHigh - his name is BigTime - went with the guys and... OW!

Ok, Carolyn's a little sick of my stories...But anyway, I'll be good, from now on, I promise. Especially since Alex stole my dice.

I Am Lazy

2006-03-11T22:54:00.000-05:00

So my partner tells me, and that's what I hear from Alex as well.
How hard is it to knock one of these entries up a day?
Well, you know how it is...you say, I'll do it in a minute, I have all day..and then you just don't. No biggie, you say, I'll do it tomorrow. And once again, you don't.
My bad, I suppose. I've also been hiding from my inbox. My back is acting up...and I lost a rather bad bet with Munch, so my feet REALLY itch.
Don't ask. You don't wanna know.

Back Again

2006-03-08T12:23:00.000-05:00

So, after all that, and all the other messes at work - trust me, you do NOT wanna know - things have settled a bit. I haven't done anything interesting in ages, it seems like.
I knew it was bad when Alex and I watched the Academy Awards, and I think I'd only seen maybe three things up for awards - the Wallace & Gromit film, Walk the Line, (which I loved, actually) and of course, The Lion, the Witch and The Wardrobe, which I'm sure you remember made a huge impression on me, as I still think Tilda Swinton is oddly hot.
I know I said I was going to see Memoirs of a Geisha, and I did - go to see it, that is. It was, uh, well, Alex may not be reading this, so I can say it. I fell asleep. Discreetly. Really.
So, anyone wanna tell me what I missed?

The Call

2006-03-04T20:36:00.000-05:00

Of course, it didn't end there.

We got a call in that there was a fatality at the address. We made it out there in time to see the corpse get loaded on the bus. This could have been stopped. We tried, we really did. But there wasn't enough we could do.

The vic was stabbed seven times, and never had a chance. The offciers said once would have been enough, but the doer was in a fit of rage, and couldn't stop.

We let Professor G collect herself before we took her away. Maybe she'll get a good lawyer, get off light. She looked right at us, and said, "I told you I could take care of myself."

Damn, I hate ones like these.

Collateral Damage

2006-03-01T16:43:00.000-05:00

I stopped in to see the sister - we'll call her Sue - at her office.
I had to explain to her what she already knew - that we couldn't do *anything* unless someone saw something. Otherwise, nada. We are helpless here.
Like I said, she knew. What makes it worse, is she used to do pro bono work for a women's shelter. She knows that it's like. All I could do was listen while she talked.

"You think it's not supposed to happen to people like...like us. He's got a degree in physics, for god's sake! SHE's an educated woman, with a good job, options... and this is still going on. Why in the hell..." She rubbed her eyes and kept going. "He's my brother, and god knows I don't like her at all. But knowing he's capable of that - I can't stand to hear his voice when he calls me crying after. And I blame her, too. Isn't that sick?"

What could I say?
I don't think I left her any better than I found her, except that she'd finally be able to at least say it out loud. Remind me to tell you why that's like a fairy tale, too. You can only break your own spell by speaking...whether it helps someone else? That remains to be seen.

More of the Same

2006-02-25T22:03:00.000-05:00

So, Carolyn collected herself...and then the husband lit into her.
I stepped in, of course, and he backed down - those guys never want trouble with people who can handle it. He was a little guy, maybe 5'5, thick glasses, the whole jacket with tweed armpatches, and he huffed and he puffed, and then he folded.
Meanwhile, I watched Professor G. And what I saw in her eyes looked familiar. It was that bad, mad, dangerous look, not a whipped dog, but a lion in a cage.
"If there's any trouble in the future, sir," I said, still looking at her, "Expect us. It's our job."
Carolyn was trembling, but we left. I said that on Monday, we should go see his sister, get a little background. Maybe Caro could catch Professor G. at work.
That was the plan...

The Case

2006-02-22T21:18:00.000-05:00

Ron Carver asked us to do a favor for a friend of his from law school. It turns out that the lady's brother is an adjunct professor at a large university...and she wanted us to talk to his wife, who's a tenured member of the faculty.

We played phone tag for a week, and finally we just stopped by. The wife - we'll call her Professor G - opens the door. Mid-forties, tall, hair swept up in a bun...she looks like a 1950's Hollywood version of a lady professor, except for the black eye.

She wouldn't even let us in the house, and as she came out on the stoop, her arms crossed, Carolyn remembered she'd left something in the car...and left me there with Prof.G.
She didn't even bother to deny that her husband had done it. She claimed it was a normal disagreement that got out of hand. She said that she'd started the argument, that she'd fought back, that she was fine,could handle herself, and that I should get the hell off her porch.

That didn't leave me much of a choice. I got back in the car, and asked Carolyn if she was all right. She shook her head yes, but we sat there for a few minutes, staring at the door before we left.

And Here We Are

2006-02-22T02:42:00.000-05:00

So, I've been out for a week.

That's because we caught a case. A relatively minor one, in the grand scheme of things. But I'm shaken up, Carolyn's barely holding it together...and neither of us feel like talking about it.

I can tell you what's up...but you'll need to wait for tomorrow.
It sounded so simple, and here we are. Emil's out on vacation...I think I need to talk to Liz.

Lunch and Afterwards

2006-02-14T21:30:00.000-05:00

Sorry about this. It's been a really weird week at work, let me tell you. But where did I leave off? Valentine's day...that's right.
-----------------
"It's freezing out here..." I said, after the coffee run. I looked over at the lighted signs, and then back at Alex, who was all bundled up in the car.

"Tell me something I don't know, Mike," she said, as she grabbed the cup from me. "Look, if you'd rather be somewhere else..."

I laughed. "Well, actually, I would. You said after last night you'd be willing to branch out into other superheroines. Not that I don't like Wonder Woman, and you are good with a lasso..."

Instead of laughing, her head whipped around at the sight of another blond. I just sighed and started in on mine.

The night before had been really nice, I thought. A quiet dinner at a very nice sushi place, a small acoustic concert, and then onto the fun with copyright violations.
That's pretty much ideal, and I don't buy into how February 14th has to be special, and yet here we are in a freezing car, watching other people dance.

I hate how tense this makes her...she can snark all she likes, but the lines of her shoulders give it away. I knew how this got to her, intellectually, but I think tonight's the first time I can see how it really wears at her.

I broke my hand over Wallace, in a fit of rage at what she implied about me. But now, watching what she does to someone I care about, and realizing what this must do to Alex when Nicole's effect on Bobby is so much worse - I couldn't even imagine before.

And there's something else, too.

I thought this stakeout was kind of a silly idea, and I almost said so. But I went along with it for a really good reason.

"Alex," I said, "This is going to sound really odd, but you know what?"
"Hmmm?" she said, pulling her eyes from the steet for a second.
"I'm really glad I'm out here with you."

We stayed in the car for the rest of the evening. We followed Bobby and Bella back out, and watched as they went up to the apartment. That meant it was fairly safe to go home.
As we pulled away, Alex said "Wait - there..."
I saw a figure hurry down the sidewalk, and make a quick left. As she turned, I got the quickest of looks at her profile in the distance.

I turned to Alex, and said the magic words in any relationship. "You were right."

Thinking it Over

2006-02-13T00:12:00.000-05:00

I couldn't really make a lot of sense on the case...mainly because of the pounding headache the whole thing inspired. It was still there when Goren woke me up at one am fiddling with Alex's door.
That was awkward all round, but as I made it perfectly clear, once the pants are off for the night, they stay off.
She and he talked for a long time, and I wanted to give them space, but I had to go in and get my pills from the kitchen. While I was fooling around there, Alex picked up on the fact that I was still pretty much in serious pain, so she made me lie down on the couch while they talked. I tried to listen, but I kept drifting in and out. There's something I can't quite put my finger on, but it's there, just out of reach. It'll come to me - hopefully soon.

Alex and I are going out tonight instead of tomorrow. We have other plans for then...but we'll tell you about that later. The only romantic thing on the schedule for the actual day is at noon-ish. I will be having a Valentine's day lunch at Wang's, and Alex is stuck coming with me. Love is love, but Te the chef gets mean when you snub him.

Plots and Twists

2006-02-09T22:25:00.000-05:00

Sorry to be gone most of the day. Things are up around here.
Alex got an urge to revisit the Wallace case, which I was intially quite against. The cast comes off tomorrow, and I was really hoping to not hear from that sicko again. Like a fungus, though, you can't seem to get rid of her. If it bothers Bobby, it bothers Alex, and if it bothers Alex, I'm in, I suppose.

Yesterday, Alex decided to snatch the file out from under Bobby, in order to make me look at it, to give it a "fresh perspective." This also meant I had to help her distract him so she could grab it. I tried a bunch of things, including getting him to go to Wang's with me, blaring Panic! At the Disco, and other minor stuff, but in the end I had to use my secret weapon, which was to have a long drink of Diet Coke. Twenty minutes later, when I turned white, started shaking and fell out of my chair, that did the trick. Nothing like having a severe, sudden allergic reaction to draw someone's attention.

I don't think Alex was quite expecting it either, even though I warned her. However, she did manage to swipe the file out of that ratty thing he keeps it in, copy it, and get away clean. Since we've gotten home, I've spent the rest of the time reviewing it and I'm not done yet. I'm still plodding, and this damn headache doesn't help. I don't know how much is residual reaction to the aspartame and how much is Nicole.

Showing One's Age

2006-02-08T13:47:00.000-05:00

So, Alex started reminiscing about her favorite old TV shows, and of course, she asked pretty much everyone what theirs were. Man, great way to make someone feel ancient, when you have to preface it with "Well, nobody had a color set then." Sheesh.

When I was a kid, I didn't watch a lot of tv. What with circumstances at home, and the fact that I played outside a LOT because of that meant that I wasn't really exposed to the set. Not comparitively, anyway. A LOT of guys my age really glued to the tube. I guess I watched my fair share, though.
For some reason, I was addicted to Car 54, Where Are You? a comedy about cops in the Bronx Go figure, huh?
That might have been the reason I ended up liking The Munsters so much, since Fred Gwynne and Al Lewis were starring in that one, too. Plus, as we all know, vampires are pretty cool to a kid. I could never figure out what kind of monsters The Addams Family were supposed to be, so I really never got into that one.

As I got older, I watched The Monkees, much to my shame, but only if my parents wouldn't catch me, since they were a little too hippie for them. There were a bunch of good things on, like Batman, and Get Smart, and The Wild Wild West - I'm not much for cowboys, but James West and Artemis Clyde were just that cool. The really formative show, I have to say, was Hogan's Heroes. I wanted to be just like Hogan when I grew up, except, you know, not in a POW camp.

And you know, the less said about my fond memories of my college time spent on the couch with some, uh, refreshments, and Sesame Street and The Muppet Show, the better. I swear, the guys in the house used to tease the hell out of me for saying "Duuuude. Oscar. Whoa. What's up with him? He needs to chill." Also, there was the Snuffleupagus hunt. That ended pretty badly....

Man, now I want to watch TV! I really don't have time anymore, although I like to catch Monk and tease Alex about Goren's weird cousin in San Francisco. Unfortunately, that makes her rib me about my second cousin in Reno who's on that dumb reality show, which I catch from time to time and cringe every time I see it. I also watch Cold Case, because...well, um, I like the stories? That's it. Yes. There's also a weird buncha shows based on cops in New York that I see from time to time, but it's not like my life revolves around that one. It's been on forever, or something, and it's on, what, 24 hours a day? Alex watches it more often than not, but I can take it or leave it. Maybe I'll try to see it tonight or something, though.

A Note From Home

2006-02-07T17:58:00.000-05:00

Dear Captain Deakins -

Please excuse Mike Logan from any meetings in the future. He has a rare and complicated disorder which you won't have heard of and is so rare it's not in any books. This terrible disease makes meetings physically painful for Mike. The excruciating pain is what makes him fidget and roll his eyes and sigh loudly, and makes him need to keep leaving the room every few minutes.
Please understand that there is no cure for this problem, and it only becomes worse and worse. It may even actually cause him to die if he has to sit through another one. You don't want him to die, right?

Thank you for your attention -

~~Mike's Shrink~~ Dr. Emil Skoda

P.S. I hurt my arm, so that is what's wrong with my signature.

P.P.S. Please do not try to call me about this. I am busy, and on vacation. You can give any messages to Mike, and he will give them to me.

In Which We Learn Our Friends Are Not Always Our Friends

2006-02-03T02:54:00.000-05:00

"Are you sure about this?" I asked him again.

"Of course I am, you total wuss. Now go." Munch sure can be pushy sometimes.

I looked down the steep hill of the bike path, and thought about it for a moment. "Munch, I'm not sure that this is the best of ideas." This was really kind of obvious, despite the 5 or 6 snakebites I'd downed.

See, Munch had these shoes with these bouncing things on the bottom, and...you know, explaining just doesn't work that well with 'em. Let's just say they looked like a device made by Acme Co., marketed to coyotes for the purpose of road-runner catching. They were crazy fun, too, and that's not just the snakebites talking.

"Logan, leave the ideas to me," he said. Jeez, it's creepy when he wears his sunglasses in the dark. He could be thinking anything. "Are you chicken? Will your girlfriend be mad at you?"

Those shoes were a lot of fun. I bounced up and down a few times, just to get a good feel for them. "This is pretty cool," I admitted. "But howcome you won't go first?"

He turned the glasses towards me again, and said "Because you're younger than me, and less brittle. I'm much more likely to break a hip."

He had a point there. I bounced some more, and then realized something. "Well, what about Finn? He's younger than both of us."

"True," he said, "But Finn's waiting at the bottom to prevent any passerby from going through at the wrong moment. Besides, he's not drunk. Drunk people are more likely to be safe from accidental injury."

This was also an excellent point - and those shoes were super-fun. "Ok," I said, "Here goes."

And there I went. It was great - for about five seconds. And then the law of gravity kicked right in. At the top of the springing arc, I realized that my balance was just a wee bit off, and that's when everything slowed down. My last thought before impact was That gravel's really going to hurt, isn't it? And it did. I continued bouncing, but not on the shoes. Rather, on my shoulder, my back, my knees, then my head, repeat that a few times, until I slid to the bottom of the hill and looked up at the uncaring sky.

Finn was laughing his ass off when some teenagers passed by. "Dude, that looks like it hurt. Wanna smoke?" I actually thought about it, but I could only manage a groan, and Finn flicked his badge and chased them away.

I still hadn't recovered enough to speak when I heard a familiar evil chuckle behind me. "Next time, Logan, don't give your evil ex my phone number, or it'll go even worse with you." He turned to Finn, "Go ahead and call Eames. See if she's got a wheelbarrow to collect her parcel here. On second thought, better call her partner instead. Don't want to tick her off. She's actually dangerous."

So, that's where I've been. Hope you guys are well.

Back Among the Living

2006-02-01T21:17:00.000-05:00

Whoo. Finally, I'm catching up - I've been bad about updating since I got one hell of a cold from somewhere. I was being all grim and stoic at work, going "I'm fine" - and the I-Feel-Awful face worked well on the perps and people who tried to hand me paperwork.
Then I got to go home and take to my bed, and suffer in peace. At my age, colds are serious, and I resent being told I am exaggerating when I casually mention that I might die. Apparently, according to some, I brought it up more than few times, but I was merely concerned. It does not make me a big baby. However, getting fussed over was kind of enjoyable, I have to admit.

But now I feel fine. In fact, I feel good enough to handle going out. Munch has been bugging me, and he says I'm getting all domesticated, so we go forth tonight. What's the worst that can happen?

A Quick Note

2006-01-30T09:05:00.000-05:00

I am taking a sick day. I cannot possibly be expected to cope with both the loss of my porn and the onslaught from Saturday.

If I have recovered sufficiently later, again, I can tell you. I have to say, though, I'm really not sure children aren't some kind of alien plot. Very skittery, and inexplicable behavior to say the least...I'm not sure how many times I just stood there and said "But why would he do that?" And then I was expected to clear up the mess!

And if they're so innocent, why do they make eye contact before doing something that will get YOU in all kinds of trouble? It's like the kid was saying "Watch this!"

Plus, I can't say as I approve of his choice in films, although eating a Martha Stewart magazine was an effective critique of that level of writing (don't tell his aunt I said that). His conversational skills were lacking a bit, and his hygeine, if left up to himself - well, the less said about *that* the better.

Of course he was adorable, delightful, and intelligent - but I don't think exhausting is an unfair thing to say, either.